Saturday, February 16

SS - Why Do I Blog?

So this is my first time playing along with the Scrolling Saturdays' theme. Yay, I love being a virgin. Here is a post I've been thinking of re-posting. I originally began blogging over at Roni's place and then a few months in (I think), there was a crash in the server. Long story short, I began again here. Below is pretty much the reason I started the blog in the first place. Kind of a personal history. Originally posted May 29, 2007.

Why Do I Blog?

This is my second blog, created for the purpose of sharing with others the same struggles and successes in this category called weight loss. The funny thing is some days I don't even blog about weight related things - it's become a place for me to vent or just convey the craziness in my head. I already miss logging in to my Weightwatchen blog and 'talking' with so many that have become such a great support to me. For the most part I am beginning to find again those that were (and are) a staple to my daily blog reading. So glad to have this community! So...this is my story... about my weight, it's ups and downs (literally) and what I'm doing about it now. I know that I can do nothing of myself, without Christ so to Him for every ounce that is lost, I give Him the glory!

Forgive me, for this is long. If you are only interested in the answer to the question in my title, scroll to the bottom. Otherwise, read on. Be patient, or don't. Laugh, cry, nod when it seems I've written your story. I know I ramble, don't complete thoughts and sometimes sound like a lifetime tv for women ad, but this is my story…

Knobby Knees - I remember one time in my entire life where my knees could be described as such… I was 6. I ate like a moose but looked like a piece of spaghetti. I even remember being called by my doctors 'underweight'. Aaah, to relish the days before puberty. As I got older and neared the good ol' pubescent years, I remember grandma saying in her broken English, mixed with a little Portuguese, "when you grow up you are a gonna get a fatta if a you keepa eating like thatta". I laughed because I didn't think it was possible for me, Ms. Twig Thang herself to a.) grow up and b.) get fat

Aunt Flo & High School - Puberty was fun….not really. Glasses, braces and about 20 extra pounds that didn't quite belong on my belly and thighs. I HATED my body, the way I looked. My self esteem was in the toilet. I remember weighing about 150 lbs and standing no taller than 5'2?. I went thru times where I completely starved myself or forced every bit of food back up. I abused diet pills, laxatives…. Nothing worked longterm though. I realized I could never not eat so back on came the pounds. Oh boy, was I so jealous of my mom who was (and is still) soooo tiny. She actually has a problem gaining weight. Which I guess, unless you have been in that boat (which I never have been), it's a very frustrating ride. I couldn't understand why God had made me this way, almost cursed me. I wanted to be thin like my skinniest friends. Why couldn't I be?

The Freshman (minus 15) - Everyone talks about their freshman year being the time where they packed on the weight. I was the opposite, in fact, I'm not sure about the total weight but I went from a size 14/16 to a size 3/4 in about 4 months. Thank you Dr. Atkins. When I went back home to visit, everyone told me how great I looked. People I didn't know or who I thought didn't know me were suddenly my friend. It was funny to me, but somehow I think there was a need to be loved by those very people. It was that year that I had my my second 'real' boyfriend, seemed to gain many friends in my life once again I was sorta liking the way I looked. I do remember the small voice in my head saying "a few more pounds". I was not completely satisfied with me, yet. The dangerous thing was I had tricked myself into thinking there WOULD be a point where I was satisfied. I wasn't. I stopped eating 'only protein' and went back to a normal way of eating. Of course, I gained weight, probably about 10 lbs worth and it was then that my boyfriend's dad said to me "you look like you gained some weight, huh?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Who does that? Sometime soon after that I joined the dojo where I began to study judo/jujitsu. The weight I had gained fell off and then some. I had it in my head that what I was seeing the mirror was not good enough. I didn't see "bony" - I saw a fat person looking back at her in the mirror. I remember what a low time that was. I think I weighed about 100 lbs (at 5'3?).

Bumps in the Road - My third and fourth years of college I stabilized in my weight. I was about 130 lbs but still very unhappy. I remember working out all the time and going on my high protein binges. I was very good friends with a stick thin model so that didn't help my 'issues' either. If I'm honest, the most unhealthy part of me during this time was my mind. I never did see myself the way others seemed to. During my senior year of college, I was hired to work with children who had learning disabilities. I think this was the greatest time of my life because for once, I was so focused on others and their needs, that I stopped look for and at my faults, real or imagined. Those kids brought out the best in me and loved me, whether I had a full face of makeup on or had rolled in with my "casual Friday" outfit. They loved me so much that I didn't notice my weight gain. Until I saw myself in a picture and stepped on the scale in my bathroom. It read (gulp) 180 lbs! I remember going downstairs and telling my roommate Kim who didn't believe a word of it. We marched upstairs together, I stepped on the scale, and she said "oh damn". Yes, oh damn, I have a big butt and didn't notice it till now. That began my WW journey.

Hi, My Name Is - I joined WW in the winter of 2003. For the first time I learned not only what but how to eat. Not to sound corny here but I learned how to like myself and be proud of my accomplishments, even if they came in 0.4 increments. My leader was so fun and I had a friend that I'd attend the meetings with at 7:00 a.m. on Saturdays. Holy cow, I still don't even know how I did that. Losing weight was actually kind of easy. I was a little obsessed with it, but not in that unhealthy college years way. My first time around at WW I lost 43 lbs! Soon after that in the summer of '03, I found a 3rd serious boyfriend. I never told him I did WW. At first, I'd just sneak to the meetings and then I quit altogether. I was doing okay for a while. Initially I lost a few more pounds but when we ended up being together for a while, comfort kicked in. We both gained weight together and you could say we were fat and happy. Well, I was fat and happy. He was just happy. The happiness with my fatness ended when the relationship ended. He moved out and I sank into a depression. It was after that I got on a scale decided to Dr. Phil my way through this one, and see if I could 'show him'. I went from 174 to 143 in about 3 months time. I could copy and paste from the other sections where compliments were many and unusual friends came my way. But just like those other sections, I didnt keep doing what I needed to.

How Did I Get Here Again - I am here 8 weeks into WW yet again. I've grown up some, still hate my body somedays but my mind has a different perspective. I'm probably the most comfortable in my skin than I've been ever in my life, even when I weigh 100 lbs. I'm proud of my journey because I think I am just starting to 'get' who I am. I'm not my fat roll, or my stretch marks. I am 'fearfully and wonderfully made'. All the parts that are me - physical, spiritual, mental, emotional - they are not by accident. I was designed with my, let's just call it, uniqueness. This goes for you too! Why do I blog here? To share the good, bad & ugly. Why WW again? Because I know it works. Enough said.

Editor's Note: I am doing WW yet again. I've learned that this really is a journey, as corny as that may sound to some of you. My brain was wired to think that weight loss was my goal, not keeping it off or actually maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Once I got to that magic number then everything would be okay. But it's not just about getting to that perfect number. We have bad days, bumps that throw us off, old demons that haunt... it's about getting up, brushing yourself off and moving forward. With life (including food), I don't take it one day at a time. It's less daunting to take it a breath, a second, one minute at a time...


Sonya said...

What a wonderful post. Thanks for sharing your story with us out here in blogger land. I could relate to it for sure. You are not alone by any means!

I was one of those girls who lost weight her first year of college too. I got the nice comments, and have been struggling to get them again ever since.

I'm trying to stay positive and work on the inside along with the outside during this journey this time though. It sure is hard sometimes, but I know it will be worth it. It looks like your on the right path yourself, Good work girlie! Once again, thanks for being so honest and open and for sharing.

Laura B. said...

Wow, Tina. You have an amazing testimony. I too have battled my weight all my life. I did manage to lose 40 pounds several years ago on South Beach but haven't been able to figure out how to make a life-long change. I have resisted WW as I thought it was actually kinda corny but perhaps, after reading your story, it might be the way I need to go. I don't want to be a skinny minnie, I just want to be healthy and fit.

Thanks for your is truly inspiring to read.

Also, just noticed you added me to your blogroll - THANKS!!!!!

Have a great weekend!

Laura B. said...

Wow, Tina. You have an amazing testimony. I too have battled my weight all my life. I did manage to lose 40 pounds several years ago on South Beach but haven't been able to figure out how to make a life-long change. I have resisted WW as I thought it was actually kinda corny but perhaps, after reading your story, it might be the way I need to go. I don't want to be a skinny minnie, I just want to be healthy and fit.

Thanks for your is truly inspiring to read.

Also, just noticed you added me to your blogroll - THANKS!!!!!

Have a great weekend!

suchsimplepleasures said...

it's completely a journey...
i could type, all day, of the all the different times i've gained and lost weight...30 pounds down, 80 pounds up (pregnancy), blahblahblah,'s always going to be a struggle. it sucks not being one of those stick figure models!! i just want to be happy with how i look...and, i'm almost 40 so, i keep waiting!!
anyway...great, wonderful, terrific post!!
sososo glad that you joined ss!

Laura said...

Thank you for sharing you journey with us! I find myself needing to lose 60ish pounds...and was just talking to someone about WW...I've never done a "diet" in my life...maybe WW is the answer!

melissious said...

You know what I just realized? Even when you were at your thinnest and seemed to have "more friends", you didn't classify yourself as happy. All those times when you were happy is when you were bigger. I'm just sayin'. Maybe we should just forget this whole thing and be fat & happy together!!
You KNOW I'm just kidding, I'm totally supportive of your (and MY) weight-loss journey. I just love when you're happy. :) So if we could find that in-between, where we're happy AND healthy - man, that'll be awesome! :) I love this post. It's so honest and straight to the point.

Suzanne said...

Wow, I could have written parts of your post.

My dad's words still ring in my ears, many years after he said them. "Sweetheart, when you're doing all this eating, ask yourself what's eating you?". I went from string bean to fat college student.

Poor eating habits (like your grandma mentioned) and an abusive relationship did me in.

Last year, I had an epiphany in that I now eat less processed foods, drink less soda and have smaller portions. I still have my candy every day, though. I've lost 50 pounds, and still going.

Good luck on your journey to weight management...

HappyBlogChick said...

Thanks for sharing!

And yes, you say "I've learned that this really is a journey, as corny as that may sound to some of you." It is corny, and it is 100% true, too.

Your very last paragraph really hit home. It sounds like you get it. It's really hard to get to that mental place where you really grasp that when you reach goal, it's not over. Maybe some people get it the first time they lose, but I'm personally not that bright it seems! Maybe this time the reality has sunk in for me.

No Where to Run ... said...

i really needed to read that. i can completely relate to so much of your journey. mine has been a see-saw of ups and downs on the scale too. and i never really correlated the "new" friends who were around during the low (numbers on the scale) times...until now. and it's sad. but i need to appreciate my body for where it is today. i get so frusterated with where i WANT to be that i never feel quite right. and it's hard to be honest with myself and still allow myself to be happy in my skin. so, thanks!