Wednesday, January 2

I wanna be HAWT!!!

Ok, resolution # 893123. I totally copied it from the dark haired cute chick on The Biggest Loser. I don't usually watch but got sucked into it because nothing else was on . You may have seen her in a commercial for the show. She's the one that says, "I wanna be hot!".

This pic of me was obviously years ago and I remember my state of mind. I was young, insecure, thought I was fat (ask Mel) and not cute at all. My friend K who is a professional photog and ex-model used to love taking pictures of me. We would have strike a pose sessions often in our days of living together and it was fun. I mean, what girl doesn't like getting all pretty. And she knew some great makeup and picture taking tips so it made it all the more fun. As much as I loved the picture taking itself, I could not wait until we got the proofs back. The funny thing was as excited as I was to get the proofs back, my reaction was always the same. I was ALWAYS displeased with myself. Found some new (or old) flaw. I would pinch "imaginary" fat which Mel would remind me was called SKIN. And then I would eat nothing but Twizzlers (because I had quite the addiction to them back then), diet pills, drink nothing but diet Coke and exercise... a lot.

As I get older and the weight is harder to take off than it was in my teens and my boobs have repositioned themselves (without asking me first!!), I am needing to remind myself that any 'work' I do on myself needs to come from the inside first. My mom and I were talking recently about my weight struggles and she was said that I worry too much about my weight. I told her I actually struggled with the decision to go home to visit because I was afraid of everyone thinking about how fat I had gotten. I know that's stupid and that family love you no matter what: fat, thin, moody, happy, life together, life fallen apart.. but I was so warped into thinking that my family, the people that care about me the most, would actually give two sh!ts about my waist size.

I, like many of you, am working on this, my view of me. For today and everyday, I will take this verse and say it to myself daily... "I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made... your works are wonderful".

By the way, I still wanna be HAWT!


Sonya said...

IT sounds to me like you have come a long way from thinking the way you did to how you think now. This can only be helpful as you try to lose this weight the healthy way.

Good luck to you in 2008! I'll be here to help support you along the way.

Swizzlepop said...

I wonder if we all had the same funhouse mirror in our teens that gave us such dostorted views of ourselves and fat.
I totally understand being self conscious around family but you are totally right, they are the last ones to do anything but love us, especially if they haven't seen us in a long time. You are strong and I know you will make your goal this year, and if I see you disappear again I will be ON you to come back, not just check in, I will stalk you and remind you of the HAWTness ;)
Great picture!

melissious said...

You're doing an awesome job!!! You're ALREADY HAWT, by the way.

Kate said...

Your HAWT regardless of weight hun! But I know what you mean. For some reason I have this warped idea that at this particular weight I will be hot. Even in HS when I was at the weight I want to be now, I always wanted to be thinner. What a warped view huh?

By the way I love the pictures of polly on the sidebar...she's adorable!