Wednesday, January 2
I wanna be HAWT!!!
Ok, resolution # 893123. I totally copied it from the dark haired cute chick on The Biggest Loser. I don't usually watch but got sucked into it because nothing else was on . You may have seen her in a commercial for the show. She's the one that says, "I wanna be hot!".
This pic of me was obviously years ago and I remember my state of mind. I was young, insecure, thought I was fat (ask Mel) and not cute at all. My friend K who is a professional photog and ex-model used to love taking pictures of me. We would have strike a pose sessions often in our days of living together and it was fun. I mean, what girl doesn't like getting all pretty. And she knew some great makeup and picture taking tips so it made it all the more fun. As much as I loved the picture taking itself, I could not wait until we got the proofs back. The funny thing was as excited as I was to get the proofs back, my reaction was always the same. I was ALWAYS displeased with myself. Found some new (or old) flaw. I would pinch "imaginary" fat which Mel would remind me was called SKIN. And then I would eat nothing but Twizzlers (because I had quite the addiction to them back then), diet pills, drink nothing but diet Coke and exercise... a lot.
As I get older and the weight is harder to take off than it was in my teens and my boobs have repositioned themselves (without asking me first!!), I am needing to remind myself that any 'work' I do on myself needs to come from the inside first. My mom and I were talking recently about my weight struggles and she was said that I worry too much about my weight. I told her I actually struggled with the decision to go home to visit because I was afraid of everyone thinking about how fat I had gotten. I know that's stupid and that family love you no matter what: fat, thin, moody, happy, life together, life fallen apart.. but I was so warped into thinking that my family, the people that care about me the most, would actually give two sh!ts about my waist size.
I, like many of you, am working on this, my view of me. For today and everyday, I will take this verse and say it to myself daily... "I am fearfully and WONDERFULLY made... your works are wonderful".
By the way, I still wanna be HAWT!
Written by Tina at 7:24 PM